The Shape-Shifter’s Dilemma: Boundaries, People-Pleasing, and Finding Yourself
I was in Walmart the other day, minding my business, trying to get in and out like a responsible adult. A couple accidentally skipped me in line, and the woman turned to ask if I wanted to go ahead. And let me tell you, every fiber of my old people-pleasing self wanted to say, "Oh no, you're fine! Go ahead!" But instead, I smiled and said, "Yes, actually, I do."
And just like that, I reclaimed a small part of myself.
It seems like such a minor moment, but for those of us who have spent our lives making sure everyone else is comfortable—often at our own expense—these small shifts are monumental. The truth is, people-pleasers are shape-shifters. We bend, mold, and shrink ourselves into whatever version we think will make others happy. And over time, we start questioning who we really are.
What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
I used to think boundaries were walls designed to push people away, but in reality, they exist to protect the right kind of love. As Lysa TerKeurst says in Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, boundaries "protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying love." That hit me like a ton of bricks.
So many of us grew up thinking love meant self-sacrifice—that the more we gave, the more valuable we were. But boundaries are not about withholding love; they’re about ensuring the love we give is genuine, sustainable, and not rooted in guilt or fear. They allow us to be present in relationships without losing ourselves in them.
The Cost of Shape-Shifting
If you weren’t afraid of disappointing others, what would your life look like?
Would you say no more often? Would you stop over-explaining yourself? Would you feel lighter?
People-pleasers are often driven by the fear of abandonment, guilt, and shame. We believe that if we enforce a boundary, someone will leave. We think saying no makes us mean or selfish. But here’s the truth: saying yes when you mean no is a betrayal of yourself. And when you do it long enough, you start to lose your sense of identity.
Breaking the Pattern: How to Set Boundaries Without Losing Yourself
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t happen overnight, but small, intentional steps make a difference. Here are a few:
Pause Before Responding. When someone makes a request, take a breath before automatically saying yes. Give yourself permission to consider whether it aligns with your needs.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort. Setting boundaries might feel awkward at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it means you’re doing something different.
Remind Yourself That Kind Doesn’t Mean Self-Sacrificing. You can be kind and still honor your own needs. Boundaries and compassion can coexist.
Expect Resistance. Not everyone will like the new, boundary-setting you. That’s okay. The people who truly love you will adjust; the ones who don’t were benefiting from your lack of boundaries.
A Challenge for You
I want you to think about one way you can choose yourself today. Maybe it’s something small, like taking your rightful place in line at Walmart. Maybe it’s something bigger, like saying no to something that drains you. Whatever it is, do it unapologetically.
Because when you say no to them, you say yes to yourself.
